The following is part of Satire for Liberty, a blog series by Suzanne Schaefer.
WASHINGTON, DC – In what has become the largest collective boycott ever recorded in the United States, and indeed, in the history of all of mankind, every one of the approximately 120 million American taxpayers nationwide has decided to boycott the IRS by refusing to file their taxes, sources confirmed Monday.
“We all just kind of decided not to do them this year,” explained Sara Freeman of Fishers, Ind., “I mean, what’s the point? It’s not like we get a say in where it goes. Plus, I’d really like to finish my basement.”
Tired of funding one of the largest, most inefficient institutions in the world, Freeman further explained why every single taxpayer felt it was no longer in their best interests to continue paying the government large amounts of their hard-earned money for its mediocre services.
“In theory our taxes go to worthwhile things from which we all benefit like transportation, national security, and healthcare, but really it goes to a gazillion aesthetically pleasing, supposedly necessary programs that don’t even work,” remarked Freeman. “Frankly, the negatives greatly outweigh the positives on this one. Plus, if the government crapped out tomorrow it’s not like humanity would go with it. Government does not make the world go ’round.”
Though still concerned about his nation’s ability to responsibly handle its massive budget, Tyler Wyatt of St. Louis, Mo. is even more anxious about the realities of some of the things his money is actually funding.
“Honestly, I’m really struggling with the fact that by funding the government I’ve been inadvertently enabling, continuing, and contributing to the coercion and killing of random people around the world with my tax dollars. Not to mention what its going to in the States,’ said Wyatt.
After a long, contemplative pause, Wyatt went on to cite the drug war, prison systems, and police as areas of concern. “Everyday there’s another story about some cop beating the life out of a defenseless person…Nah, man, I’m not paying for that shit.”
Yet, Wyatt is just one of a stunning 100% of American taxpayers who feel that they do not in fact appreciate or support the multitude of harm inflicted by their government. Rather, citizens everywhere have expressed the desire to use their money for other things.