The following is part of Satire for Liberty, a blog series by SFL 2014-2015 blogging team member and Senior Campus Coordinator Suzanne Schaefer.
WASHINGTON, DC – In light of an epiphany that banning drugs is backwards and futile, the entire United States government, at both the state and federal level, decided Tuesday to ban the banning of drugs and pretty much everything else, sources confirm.
“Once we realized that banning drug use, production, and sales was ultimately harmful, overly-controlling, and immoral, we all agreed to immediately ban the banning of drugs, and pretty much all other goods and services,” said Democrat Andrew Cuomo, the enlightened governor of New York, who went on to explain that the choice to ban the banning of pretty much everything, not just illicit substances, came from a new and improved understanding of market forces.
“It’s actually fairly simple,” explained Cuomo, “it doesn’t matter if it has to do with cocaine or sugar cane, the same basic moral and economic principles apply. Free markets and free people lead to prosperity and growth. Consequently, we figured that we should apply the ban on banning to pretty much everything, not just drugs.”
“It really was a no-brainer,” said Dianne Feinstein, a Democratic Senator from California, who recently had the startling revelation that banning the banning of drugs would alleviate the financial burdens caused by packing prisons with nonviolent offenders, as well as would eliminate the high costs associated with militarizing law enforcement to go after these various plants, products, and people. Moreover, Feinstein’s renewed perspective arose from her now overt awareness that banning the banning of drugs would decrease institutionalized racism in America, widespread displacement of families, and would allow students, employees, and athletes alike to keep scholarships, jobs, and awards previously lost due to drug consumption.
“And it doesn’t even stop there,” added Feinstein, “banning the banning of drugs would also effectively destroy the black market, reduce gang violence domestically and abroad, allow the sickly access to legal, safe relief, and boost the economy. Not to mention the added benefit of re-instituting some of Americans’ civil and economic liberties.”