The following is a satirical piece by SFL 2014-2015 blogging team member and Senior Campus Coordinator Suzanne Schaefer.
In a shocking turn of events, police nationwide have gone one whole week without shooting, tazing, pepper-spraying, beating, harassing, or discriminating against anyone of any kind, officials reported Friday. To add to the jaw-dropping change in police behavior, sources also confirmed that police have further resisted no-knock raids, planting evidence, and all other law breaking activities that undermine the law and Constitution in any way, shape, or form. “Shocked doesn’t even come close to how I feel,” reported Jeremy Graves of Columbia, MO. “I was at a protest this week and not a single person was pepper sprayed, beaten, or jailed for exercising their first amendment rights. It’s truly remarkable.”
“To be honest, we weren’t really sure we could pull it off,” said Max Davison, a police officer from Trenton, N.J. , who opted to go a week without abusing his police power, “but with all the mounting societal pressure to discontinue our vile and violent ways, we decided to go a whole week focused solely on serving and protecting our nation’s citizens.” Davison went on to explain that police had received threats of more oversight or suspension without pay if citizens started to really stand up for themselves, and consequently the adjustment was necessary for PR purposes.
“There’s been a lot of talk about how cops these days are intimidating, brutal, bastards,” remarked Scott Cooper, a police officer from Seattle, Wash. “But this week, that just isn’t the case. Yesterday alone I opted not to punch a girl for jaywalking, pull someone over for being black, or shoot this one guy for tripping in my general direction. And a buddy of mine,” added Cooper, “he’s knocked on every single door of the houses he’s raided. I mean, we’re like freakin’ knights in shining armor over here.”
In light of all the police choosing to be civil, respectful, law abiding citizens rather than crooks, creeps, and killers, citizens everywhere have confirmed that they feel much safer around cops and more positive about the existence of law enforcement in general. “It’s a great feeling to see a cop and not immediately shy away in fear,” said Melissa Rodriguez of Houston, Texas. “This morning on my walk to work, I almost smiled at one standing on the street corner. I still wasn’t sure I should make eye-contact, so I didn’t go through with it, but maybe next time!”
However, at press time sources confirmed that while police all across the United States had refrained from most of their daily abuses, they could not help but continue to steal from arbitrary passersby via issuing traffic tickets under the guise of individual and public safety. “Not planting evidence on an innocent person is one thing,” remarked Davison, “but hell if I can go a week without racing up to someone at 90 miles per hour to give them a $200 ticket for going 50 in a 40.”